(Awakened Origins Series: Part 1 of 3)

It’s strange to talk about something that’s staring you right in the face at this very moment, something that’s never left you, something that is at the very heart of what you’ve been pursuing your entire life. But, I suppose in a world where we habitually view life through our beliefs and projections instead of through our direct, immediate experience of life, switching gears and looking at what’s right in front of us might not be the most ridiculous thing. In fact, not having to work to see the truth anymore, might be kind of nice for a change…

So let’s start from the start.

You were born as presence before you were a thinker, before you perceived the world as the world and you as you.

Although the length of this period varied for each of us, and in most cases was a very brief one, we’ve all lived this reality before and so are aware of it right now on some level… even if that level is a subconscious one.

This reality I’m talking about is completely free of the need for interpretation. For example, at the moment, there’s the version of reality where you’re reading words about life and existence from Kyle the spiritual guy, and then there’s ACTUAL reality where you’re just looking at a screen that has a series of carefully placed black shapes in repeating patterns. Notice that what always happens first is innocent observation, then, interpretation follows after (though we tend to ignore what happens first most of the time).

It wasn’t always this way though, nor does it have to continue being this way. It’s possible for what happens first (innocent observation) to be what happens most of the time and for interpretation to be used only when needed for practical reasons (which isn’t nearly as often as we might think.)

When you were born, you were born as pure presence, you had no specific identity. The difficulty you experienced as a newborn had nothing to do with not having an identity though, it had to do with the fact that you had no choice but to adjust to the confines of such a limited physical experience. Not knowing who you were was just reality; nothing wrong with it. It was simply a fact that consciousness was intelligent presence; a void that was aware of itself… aware of its no-self.

This is why the religious folks who use the term ‘born again’ have it ass backwards. To be born again actually means to go back and start again from this innocent place of not knowing who you are.

The First Forgetting — Consciousness Closes In On The Body

One of my early memories from childhood was sitting in my high chair and being given a bowl of apple sauce. I recall first being fixated on the movement of my hands- there was not yet a connection being made that those hands were ‘mine’ and I was fascinated that they appeared to do exactly what I wanted them to. I would look at the spoon next to my bowl, and sure enough, just with a simple interest, the hand would obey and pick it up knowing exactly what to do. It was nothing short of amazing.

Everything in my field of view was emanating intelligent presence because I hadn’t yet begun assigning life to things in a categorical way. Every single thing was just as alive as everything else. The bowl, the spoon, the table, all of it was made of the same intelligent presence; in spite of their unique appearances. And how strange it was to take a spoonful of apple sauce, something so alive with divine presence, hold it up to my mouth and contemplate eating it!

Several meals later however, over time, that awe at witnessing life move the body on behalf of my intent, started to become numbed as I gradually identified more with the body; as I started to claim that the hands being moved were ‘mine’… even though I still wasn’t sure who exactly this ‘me’ was that they belonged to. And of course, once those hands became ‘mine’, I no longer paid attention to them. Their movements were no longer something to be in awe of, just the predictable actions of a servant… something to be ignored.

So this, you could say is where the epic story of ‘me’ begins. You may or may not have similar memories to the ones I just mentioned, but the process itself is universal; we come into the world as pure consciousness hovering in and around a body, and then, by and by, that consciousness begins the process of building boundaries around itself through a gradual identification with the body. Something entirely innocent and seemingly harmless at first, but nevertheless the foundation for a life of struggle and psychological suffering.

Self-Sustained Forgetfulness — The Moment You Knew Yourself and Forgot Who You Are

As your brain developed and your powers of interpretation increased, so did the complexity and sophistication of your identity. Body language, social feedback, approval and punishment began rounding things out for your mind-made sense of self. Gradually, you understood what was needed to belong.

In spite of the growing certainty that you were ‘somebody’, a fundamental piece of your existential puzzle that would allow you to fully know yourself was still missing. Of course, the reason for this was that it was never really a possibility for you to become a true identity when the truth of you was a conscious void.

For this reason, rather than surrendering to the truth of your non-self, you realized that the incomplete puzzle of your identity could be made whole by attaching to the belief that you were un-whole. After all, an identity is still an identity even if it carries the banner of incompleteness.

Better to be a flaw than nothing at all.

Unfortunately, in order to maintain this sense of fragmented wholeness, this new found puzzle piece required something from you; your entire life. This was the trade-off, you could retain your completed sense of identity so long as you committed your life to ending its incompletion. And of course, this subtle sleight of hand by the mind was never noticed; it seemed perfectly plausible that incompleteness itself would want completeness even though it would have to be willing to die for it.

The official search for freedom, albeit a futile one, was now underway.

You now finally knew yourself… at the cost of forgetting what you are.

Fortunately, we all have the capacity to re-member.

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